It's been too long. Exactly a month. A month full of insecurity. Insecurity on all fronts. Insecurities about the past, the present, and the future. Cliché, yes. Truthful, yes.
Though it's not like me, I'm looking for clarity when I go home this weekend. Retrospectively, my nuclear family hasn't ever really given me a ton of clarity, but it's never too late to start, I suppose. I see/feel everyone around me getting into their groove, so to speak. Making meaningful relationships, preparing for out-of-character adventures, being wrapped up in life's daily activities (whether good or bad). This past week or so got my brain really thinking logically. Moreso than usual. I've wanted to volunteer at every non-profit I've encountered or donate to a needy cause. I want to make a mark again because right now, the only mark I'm making is the indent in my chair.
Where I am in life right now, I guess I'm just looking for clarity. When logic doesn't pan out, it coufuses me to a point where the irrationality is all I can think about. Now I'm not sure if I need something familiar (which sounds attractive) or something completely different and new (which sounds exciting). I want to throw in the towel because it would be the easy thing to do, but in doing so, I don't even know what throwing in the towel would entail. I wouldn't grow from it, so there can't be a point.
I want structure. I need structure. It sounds boring when I see it written on the screen, but I need some semblence of it. Then again, life is boring now, generally speaking, so I guess structure can only mean moving forward. In a way, I have structure now, but it's just not the kind I want. I'm looking for a creative, intuitive structure that will take me to that next level of self-realization. I miss that growth. I feel like I've plateaued. How is that exciting?
I'm leaving in two months to move to either the 1st or 2nd largest cities in the entire country. I smiled just writing that. Please get here soon.
