Wednesday, July 01, 2009

I was hoping

I don't think anything in particular has triggered the feelings I've been having today. I was thinking about my move to the East and how the relationships in my life right now are a bit frustrating. I guess directly and indirectly because of it, I'm ready to now.

A part of me is thinking, "you're ready because you don't want to deal with what's frustrating you." In all honesty, there is probably truth in that. The other part of me is acknowledging that I've wanted this for SO long now; over a year and a half. Now that I have less than a month here, my level of impatience is hitting an all-time high. The last month or so that I've known I'm leaving has been tremendously unnerving: I'm quitting my job, I'm moving out of California, I'm away from my family and friends, etc. etc. etc. I'm over all that. Really. This has totally become my own Kubler-Ross model. Not sure if grief is the right word, though.

My tunnel vision is narrowing in on itself. I think it's mixed with equal parts anticipation as well as coping mechanism. My mind is on a bullet train heading east all while still unwilling to leave the gate.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Doing it for the fame

I have a date with New York City. It's going to develop into a relationship, which will most likely lead to love. I can feel it.

Every day hits me more and more. I'm going to be living in New York. AH, seeing it on screen freaks me out. In a good way, too. Definitely a mix of good thrown into it. I was stressed out about it this morning, and probably will continue to stress until I'm actually there. Despite the fact I haven't left yet, I find myself already starting to miss the simple pleasures of life here. Driving in my car, my favorite radio station, In-n-Out Burger...but I digress.

Talking about it to people definitely served as a coping mechanism. Reassurance is my best friend, at this point.

In one month, I quit my job and move to New York.

(insert inaudible scream here)

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Tell me life is beautiful

It's been too long. Exactly a month. A month full of insecurity. Insecurity on all fronts. Insecurities about the past, the present, and the future. Cliché, yes. Truthful, yes.

Though it's not like me, I'm looking for clarity when I go home this weekend. Retrospectively, my nuclear family hasn't ever really given me a ton of clarity, but it's never too late to start, I suppose. I see/feel everyone around me getting into their groove, so to speak. Making meaningful relationships, preparing for out-of-character adventures, being wrapped up in life's daily activities (whether good or bad). This past week or so got my brain really thinking logically. Moreso than usual. I've wanted to volunteer at every non-profit I've encountered or donate to a needy cause. I want to make a mark again because right now, the only mark I'm making is the indent in my chair.

Where I am in life right now, I guess I'm just looking for clarity. When logic doesn't pan out, it coufuses me to a point where the irrationality is all I can think about. Now I'm not sure if I need something familiar (which sounds attractive) or something completely different and new (which sounds exciting). I want to throw in the towel because it would be the easy thing to do, but in doing so, I don't even know what throwing in the towel would entail. I wouldn't grow from it, so there can't be a point.

I want structure. I need structure. It sounds boring when I see it written on the screen, but I need some semblence of it. Then again, life is boring now, generally speaking, so I guess structure can only mean moving forward. In a way, I have structure now, but it's just not the kind I want. I'm looking for a creative, intuitive structure that will take me to that next level of self-realization. I miss that growth. I feel like I've plateaued. How is that exciting?

I'm leaving in two months to move to either the 1st or 2nd largest cities in the entire country. I smiled just writing that. Please get here soon.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Doth I protest too much?

I had a light bulb moment that needed to be let out.

My emotions have been heightened lately and I couldn't think of the source of origin. I almost hate that I only seem to write in here when emotions are high, but to some degree, it has to help. I feel I write better when tensions are high too.

I'm stressing. What I thought to be my back-up grad school is now not. I wasn't offered the position I applied for. It caught me completely off guard because it was something I was more than confident I was going to get. Total blow to my self-esteem. It hurt, but all I can do is move forward from it. I was pretty upset about it on Friday when I found out. Today, I can't say that I am. No sour grapes, just more pressure to get the internship in New York.

Realistically, I have a good shot at this internship. Ever since my visit, I've been completely focused on a new life in NY and embarking on my next phase of personal growth. I don't want to be unprepared like last year when I had no plan B, so I'm already thinking of my hypothetical plans B and C, even though I struggle to think about them at all because they could very well be the reality of what happens.

Going back to my light bulb moment. I recently had to re-evaluate probably one of my most significant relationships I've had so far in my life. I feel like I've been knocked down several pegs by someone I thought could never do that to me. After being avoided by this person, my thoughts and emotions couldn't stay dormant anymore and in my attempt to facilitate an open dialogue, I was left with an overall feeling of disloyalty and distrust...both of which are the complete opposite of who I strive to be.

I feel lost, in a sense. As if I've had this idea in my head for a few years only for it to be chipped away. Chip doesn't even cover it for me. Right now, it feels like a hearty slice was taken out of a relationship I valued more than most. I really don't know how to process it, to be honest. There is so much I want to say, but in doing so, will it make a difference? I was basically shut down the last time I expressed where I was at, so my confidence is low.

Because of this, I feel my disappointing news this past week is amplified. Anyone that knows me knows I value my relationships more than anything else in life. For one of my most significant ones to change this much is creating this sense of insecurity in anything I've invested myself into. I'm afraid to be disappointed again. Though disappointment is inevitable, I hope the next time it happens, it doesn't involve so much of my core being.

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Did the last few days really just happen?

A week and a half ago, I was sitting at work minding my own business, and then got an e-mail inviting me to interview at NYU. The last few days have gone by so unbelievably fast, it honestly feels like a really long dream. I saw New York City for the first time and everyone was right: I loved it.

It's such a paradoxical city, which is what I loved. It was an amazingly scary place, full of overwhelming traffic and people, yet everything seemed to mesh together seamlessly and create an environment of constant excitement. It probably has a lot to do with it being my first time there, but I have a feeling that even though that feeling might diminish just a bit, there's always going to be an overall sense of thrill and fun.

Even more importantly, the students and the MA program there are incredible. The people, the program, and the city all seem like they have so much to offer. After 6 interviews in a row, I'm confident one will work out for me. I went into one of them a bit narrow-minded (which is not like me at all), and came out of it with a brand new notion and personal challenge. I hope the cards fall in my favor because that would definitely facilitate some much needed growth for me and the students I would be working with.

Sure, I got there and they misplaced my luggage and my taxi driver was badgering me for an address to take me to, and the flight back was delayed over 2 hours. Now that the whirlwind is over, I don't think I would have changed it.

Maybe it's still the high of New York wearing off or the nice change of pace from an overal mundane current lifestyle...probably both, huh? Whether it's now or later on in life, I want the badge of honor to say I've lived in New York only to look back and say, "I wouldn't have changed it for anything in the world."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

so that makes it all your fault

I'm living by the notion that everything happens for a reason. Right now, it's the only way I allow myself to maintain composure.

I'm thoroughly disappointed. The first thing that came to mind was heart-broken, but I'm not. Whatever emotion that falls between disappointment and heartbreak, that's where I'm at. Nothing lately has seemed to have any semblance of follow through, and it's infuriating, really. Ultimately, I'm guessing the life lesson out of it is not to put your trust in something(?)

I know that's not the reality. I had a healthy excitement for plans I made and now they're not happening. Trying to justify a positive out of it right now is hard. I know it's not impossible, but that doesn't help.

I guess I'm almost mad at myself for being upset at the situations that arise in my life. There are so many worse things I could be dealing with, knock on wood. I feel like I don't even have a right to complain.

Someone press the fast forward button.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Tick tock, tick tock

This week has made me more thankful for the positives in my life. They are helping me stay focused and confident, which is exactly what I need. I did something for myself this weekend and I'm elated. It's rare I act on emotion (whether good or bad), but I just went with it. Still logical in my thought process, naturally, but I did something for myself and I'm really excited.

My concern is this: in the long-run, will this have been a healthy thing for me? My concern in that is if I'm subconsciously creating a negative out of a positive. A self-sabotage, if you will. I'm worried the short term will be good, but the long-term might not. Just something in the back of my mind.

I'm still as anxious as ever. I want for it so badly to be a few months down the road where I'm engulfed in a new surrounding and new people. My experiences for the last year have been positive, just not where I expected them to be. I know now I had too much riding on my job and experience here. I convinced myself it would be a radical change when deep down, I had to know it wouldn't be.

I guess I just have to keep dealing with my impatience until I pack up my apartment and head to wherever it is I'm going. I guess now I'm just more antsy than ever since I've been waiting almost two years for it and now that I only have a few months left, I'm chomping at the bit.

I think my goal should be to stay focused in the present because I know change will be there in the future. We'll see how good it goes!