Monday, February 16, 2009

This is who I am

I've had a recent surge of self-assurance lately and it's the best I've felt in a while. I've felt really good about the way I look, my friendships, and what my core being is. I think it stems from getting into a master's program at USC and I couldn't be happier; it's an indication I'm on my way. I'm keeping my hopes up to see if I get into the schools I applied to on the East Coast, but really, anywhere I end up, I'll be happy. I'm going to work towards a degree that's going to get me to where I want to be.

The first people I called when I was informed of my acceptance were my parents, naturally. My mom was ecstatic, of course. I know I need to write about how my dad reacted because it's still bothering me. It was just another reminder of his inability to show any sort of emotionally acceptance of my achievements (at least outwardly). The first words out of his mouth were, "how much is the program going to cost?"

He bombarded me with questions about the entire thing, which I expected. We don't talk much, so for all I know, this could have been the first time he knew I was applying (even though I had told him previously). No congratulations were in order whatsoever. His final response was "I appreciate you calling me." I think what's upsetting is I'm doing this for myself, not asking for any help from him at all, and he can't show any means of support. His means of support is sending me a check every once in a while to "help with finances." Completely appreciated, but the exact opposite form of support I need from him. It's been difficult to come to terms with the fact that he's probably never going to be the support system I really need. This was just another chip away to the already disagreeable relationship we have.

Other than familial emotions, other emotions were brought up this past weekend, but thankfully, not as many as I expected. I talked to the people I love and that was enough for me. I had been thinking a lot about my ex the past week, which of course was some means of self-sabotage with V-day, but it happened and passed. I recently came to acknowledge I still have feelings for him, and I'm ok with that. There's obviously nothing I can do about it at the moment, as 3,000 miles pretty much negates any means of togetherness, but it is what it is.

I want what I had with him again. Realistically, it can't be with him, but I want "that" again. Until then, I'm just going to anxiously anticipate my transition into school and whatever metropolitan area I land.