Monday, April 06, 2009

Doth I protest too much?


I had a light bulb moment that needed to be let out.

My emotions have been heightened lately and I couldn't think of the source of origin. I almost hate that I only seem to write in here when emotions are high, but to some degree, it has to help. I feel I write better when tensions are high too.

I'm stressing. What I thought to be my back-up grad school is now not. I wasn't offered the position I applied for. It caught me completely off guard because it was something I was more than confident I was going to get. Total blow to my self-esteem. It hurt, but all I can do is move forward from it. I was pretty upset about it on Friday when I found out. Today, I can't say that I am. No sour grapes, just more pressure to get the internship in New York.

Realistically, I have a good shot at this internship. Ever since my visit, I've been completely focused on a new life in NY and embarking on my next phase of personal growth. I don't want to be unprepared like last year when I had no plan B, so I'm already thinking of my hypothetical plans B and C, even though I struggle to think about them at all because they could very well be the reality of what happens.

Going back to my light bulb moment. I recently had to re-evaluate probably one of my most significant relationships I've had so far in my life. I feel like I've been knocked down several pegs by someone I thought could never do that to me. After being avoided by this person, my thoughts and emotions couldn't stay dormant anymore and in my attempt to facilitate an open dialogue, I was left with an overall feeling of disloyalty and distrust...both of which are the complete opposite of who I strive to be.

I feel lost, in a sense. As if I've had this idea in my head for a few years only for it to be chipped away. Chip doesn't even cover it for me. Right now, it feels like a hearty slice was taken out of a relationship I valued more than most. I really don't know how to process it, to be honest. There is so much I want to say, but in doing so, will it make a difference? I was basically shut down the last time I expressed where I was at, so my confidence is low.

Because of this, I feel my disappointing news this past week is amplified. Anyone that knows me knows I value my relationships more than anything else in life. For one of my most significant ones to change this much is creating this sense of insecurity in anything I've invested myself into. I'm afraid to be disappointed again. Though disappointment is inevitable, I hope the next time it happens, it doesn't involve so much of my core being.