Tell me life is beautiful

It's been too long. Exactly a month. A month full of insecurity. Insecurity on all fronts. Insecurities about the past, the present, and the future. Cliché, yes. Truthful, yes.

Though it's not like me, I'm looking for clarity when I go home this weekend. Retrospectively, my nuclear family hasn't ever really given me a ton of clarity, but it's never too late to start, I suppose. I see/feel everyone around me getting into their groove, so to speak. Making meaningful relationships, preparing for out-of-character adventures, being wrapped up in life's daily activities (whether good or bad). This past week or so got my brain really thinking logically. Moreso than usual. I've wanted to volunteer at every non-profit I've encountered or donate to a needy cause. I want to make a mark again because right now, the only mark I'm making is the indent in my chair.

Where I am in life right now, I guess I'm just looking for clarity. When logic doesn't pan out, it coufuses me to a point where the irrationality is all I can think about. Now I'm not sure if I need something familiar (which sounds attractive) or something completely different and new (which sounds exciting). I want to throw in the towel because it would be the easy thing to do, but in doing so, I don't even know what throwing in the towel would entail. I wouldn't grow from it, so there can't be a point.

I want structure. I need structure. It sounds boring when I see it written on the screen, but I need some semblence of it. Then again, life is boring now, generally speaking, so I guess structure can only mean moving forward. In a way, I have structure now, but it's just not the kind I want. I'm looking for a creative, intuitive structure that will take me to that next level of self-realization. I miss that growth. I feel like I've plateaued. How is that exciting?

I'm leaving in two months to move to either the 1st or 2nd largest cities in the entire country. I smiled just writing that. Please get here soon.

Doth I protest too much?

I had a light bulb moment that needed to be let out.

My emotions have been heightened lately and I couldn't think of the source of origin. I almost hate that I only seem to write in here when emotions are high, but to some degree, it has to help. I feel I write better when tensions are high too.

I'm stressing. What I thought to be my back-up grad school is now not. I wasn't offered the position I applied for. It caught me completely off guard because it was something I was more than confident I was going to get. Total blow to my self-esteem. It hurt, but all I can do is move forward from it. I was pretty upset about it on Friday when I found out. Today, I can't say that I am. No sour grapes, just more pressure to get the internship in New York.

Realistically, I have a good shot at this internship. Ever since my visit, I've been completely focused on a new life in NY and embarking on my next phase of personal growth. I don't want to be unprepared like last year when I had no plan B, so I'm already thinking of my hypothetical plans B and C, even though I struggle to think about them at all because they could very well be the reality of what happens.

Going back to my light bulb moment. I recently had to re-evaluate probably one of my most significant relationships I've had so far in my life. I feel like I've been knocked down several pegs by someone I thought could never do that to me. After being avoided by this person, my thoughts and emotions couldn't stay dormant anymore and in my attempt to facilitate an open dialogue, I was left with an overall feeling of disloyalty and distrust...both of which are the complete opposite of who I strive to be.

I feel lost, in a sense. As if I've had this idea in my head for a few years only for it to be chipped away. Chip doesn't even cover it for me. Right now, it feels like a hearty slice was taken out of a relationship I valued more than most. I really don't know how to process it, to be honest. There is so much I want to say, but in doing so, will it make a difference? I was basically shut down the last time I expressed where I was at, so my confidence is low.

Because of this, I feel my disappointing news this past week is amplified. Anyone that knows me knows I value my relationships more than anything else in life. For one of my most significant ones to change this much is creating this sense of insecurity in anything I've invested myself into. I'm afraid to be disappointed again. Though disappointment is inevitable, I hope the next time it happens, it doesn't involve so much of my core being.

Starstruck

Did the last few days really just happen?

A week and a half ago, I was sitting at work minding my own business, and then got an e-mail inviting me to interview at NYU. The last few days have gone by so unbelievably fast, it honestly feels like a really long dream. I saw New York City for the first time and everyone was right: I loved it.

It's such a paradoxical city, which is what I loved. It was an amazingly scary place, full of overwhelming traffic and people, yet everything seemed to mesh together seamlessly and create an environment of constant excitement. It probably has a lot to do with it being my first time there, but I have a feeling that even though that feeling might diminish just a bit, there's always going to be an overall sense of thrill and fun.

Even more importantly, the students and the MA program there are incredible. The people, the program, and the city all seem like they have so much to offer. After 6 interviews in a row, I'm confident one will work out for me. I went into one of them a bit narrow-minded (which is not like me at all), and came out of it with a brand new notion and personal challenge. I hope the cards fall in my favor because that would definitely facilitate some much needed growth for me and the students I would be working with.

Sure, I got there and they misplaced my luggage and my taxi driver was badgering me for an address to take me to, and the flight back was delayed over 2 hours. Now that the whirlwind is over, I don't think I would have changed it.

Maybe it's still the high of New York wearing off or the nice change of pace from an overal mundane current lifestyle...probably both, huh? Whether it's now or later on in life, I want the badge of honor to say I've lived in New York only to look back and say, "I wouldn't have changed it for anything in the world."

so that makes it all your fault

I'm living by the notion that everything happens for a reason. Right now, it's the only way I allow myself to maintain composure.

I'm thoroughly disappointed. The first thing that came to mind was heart-broken, but I'm not. Whatever emotion that falls between disappointment and heartbreak, that's where I'm at. Nothing lately has seemed to have any semblance of follow through, and it's infuriating, really. Ultimately, I'm guessing the life lesson out of it is not to put your trust in something(?)

I know that's not the reality. I had a healthy excitement for plans I made and now they're not happening. Trying to justify a positive out of it right now is hard. I know it's not impossible, but that doesn't help.

I guess I'm almost mad at myself for being upset at the situations that arise in my life. There are so many worse things I could be dealing with, knock on wood. I feel like I don't even have a right to complain.

Someone press the fast forward button.

Tick tock, tick tock

This week has made me more thankful for the positives in my life. They are helping me stay focused and confident, which is exactly what I need. I did something for myself this weekend and I'm elated. It's rare I act on emotion (whether good or bad), but I just went with it. Still logical in my thought process, naturally, but I did something for myself and I'm really excited.

My concern is this: in the long-run, will this have been a healthy thing for me? My concern in that is if I'm subconsciously creating a negative out of a positive. A self-sabotage, if you will. I'm worried the short term will be good, but the long-term might not. Just something in the back of my mind.

I'm still as anxious as ever. I want for it so badly to be a few months down the road where I'm engulfed in a new surrounding and new people. My experiences for the last year have been positive, just not where I expected them to be. I know now I had too much riding on my job and experience here. I convinced myself it would be a radical change when deep down, I had to know it wouldn't be.

I guess I just have to keep dealing with my impatience until I pack up my apartment and head to wherever it is I'm going. I guess now I'm just more antsy than ever since I've been waiting almost two years for it and now that I only have a few months left, I'm chomping at the bit.

I think my goal should be to stay focused in the present because I know change will be there in the future. We'll see how good it goes!

For the record

I don't want to hear another single person give me their input on where I should go to school this year. You might love me, be well-educated, have had tremendous life experiences, but if one more person tells me what I should do with me life, I might lose it.

Unless I specifically ask you, please stop giving me your two cents because I've already received a few bucks.

This is who I am

I've had a recent surge of self-assurance lately and it's the best I've felt in a while. I've felt really good about the way I look, my friendships, and what my core being is. I think it stems from getting into a master's program at USC and I couldn't be happier; it's an indication I'm on my way. I'm keeping my hopes up to see if I get into the schools I applied to on the East Coast, but really, anywhere I end up, I'll be happy. I'm going to work towards a degree that's going to get me to where I want to be.

The first people I called when I was informed of my acceptance were my parents, naturally. My mom was ecstatic, of course. I know I need to write about how my dad reacted because it's still bothering me. It was just another reminder of his inability to show any sort of emotionally acceptance of my achievements (at least outwardly). The first words out of his mouth were, "how much is the program going to cost?"

He bombarded me with questions about the entire thing, which I expected. We don't talk much, so for all I know, this could have been the first time he knew I was applying (even though I had told him previously). No congratulations were in order whatsoever. His final response was "I appreciate you calling me." I think what's upsetting is I'm doing this for myself, not asking for any help from him at all, and he can't show any means of support. His means of support is sending me a check every once in a while to "help with finances." Completely appreciated, but the exact opposite form of support I need from him. It's been difficult to come to terms with the fact that he's probably never going to be the support system I really need. This was just another chip away to the already disagreeable relationship we have.

Other than familial emotions, other emotions were brought up this past weekend, but thankfully, not as many as I expected. I talked to the people I love and that was enough for me. I had been thinking a lot about my ex the past week, which of course was some means of self-sabotage with V-day, but it happened and passed. I recently came to acknowledge I still have feelings for him, and I'm ok with that. There's obviously nothing I can do about it at the moment, as 3,000 miles pretty much negates any means of togetherness, but it is what it is.

I want what I had with him again. Realistically, it can't be with him, but I want "that" again. Until then, I'm just going to anxiously anticipate my transition into school and whatever metropolitan area I land.