so that makes it all your fault

I'm living by the notion that everything happens for a reason. Right now, it's the only way I allow myself to maintain composure.

I'm thoroughly disappointed. The first thing that came to mind was heart-broken, but I'm not. Whatever emotion that falls between disappointment and heartbreak, that's where I'm at. Nothing lately has seemed to have any semblance of follow through, and it's infuriating, really. Ultimately, I'm guessing the life lesson out of it is not to put your trust in something(?)

I know that's not the reality. I had a healthy excitement for plans I made and now they're not happening. Trying to justify a positive out of it right now is hard. I know it's not impossible, but that doesn't help.

I guess I'm almost mad at myself for being upset at the situations that arise in my life. There are so many worse things I could be dealing with, knock on wood. I feel like I don't even have a right to complain.

Someone press the fast forward button.

Tick tock, tick tock

This week has made me more thankful for the positives in my life. They are helping me stay focused and confident, which is exactly what I need. I did something for myself this weekend and I'm elated. It's rare I act on emotion (whether good or bad), but I just went with it. Still logical in my thought process, naturally, but I did something for myself and I'm really excited.

My concern is this: in the long-run, will this have been a healthy thing for me? My concern in that is if I'm subconsciously creating a negative out of a positive. A self-sabotage, if you will. I'm worried the short term will be good, but the long-term might not. Just something in the back of my mind.

I'm still as anxious as ever. I want for it so badly to be a few months down the road where I'm engulfed in a new surrounding and new people. My experiences for the last year have been positive, just not where I expected them to be. I know now I had too much riding on my job and experience here. I convinced myself it would be a radical change when deep down, I had to know it wouldn't be.

I guess I just have to keep dealing with my impatience until I pack up my apartment and head to wherever it is I'm going. I guess now I'm just more antsy than ever since I've been waiting almost two years for it and now that I only have a few months left, I'm chomping at the bit.

I think my goal should be to stay focused in the present because I know change will be there in the future. We'll see how good it goes!

For the record

I don't want to hear another single person give me their input on where I should go to school this year. You might love me, be well-educated, have had tremendous life experiences, but if one more person tells me what I should do with me life, I might lose it.

Unless I specifically ask you, please stop giving me your two cents because I've already received a few bucks.

This is who I am

I've had a recent surge of self-assurance lately and it's the best I've felt in a while. I've felt really good about the way I look, my friendships, and what my core being is. I think it stems from getting into a master's program at USC and I couldn't be happier; it's an indication I'm on my way. I'm keeping my hopes up to see if I get into the schools I applied to on the East Coast, but really, anywhere I end up, I'll be happy. I'm going to work towards a degree that's going to get me to where I want to be.

The first people I called when I was informed of my acceptance were my parents, naturally. My mom was ecstatic, of course. I know I need to write about how my dad reacted because it's still bothering me. It was just another reminder of his inability to show any sort of emotionally acceptance of my achievements (at least outwardly). The first words out of his mouth were, "how much is the program going to cost?"

He bombarded me with questions about the entire thing, which I expected. We don't talk much, so for all I know, this could have been the first time he knew I was applying (even though I had told him previously). No congratulations were in order whatsoever. His final response was "I appreciate you calling me." I think what's upsetting is I'm doing this for myself, not asking for any help from him at all, and he can't show any means of support. His means of support is sending me a check every once in a while to "help with finances." Completely appreciated, but the exact opposite form of support I need from him. It's been difficult to come to terms with the fact that he's probably never going to be the support system I really need. This was just another chip away to the already disagreeable relationship we have.

Other than familial emotions, other emotions were brought up this past weekend, but thankfully, not as many as I expected. I talked to the people I love and that was enough for me. I had been thinking a lot about my ex the past week, which of course was some means of self-sabotage with V-day, but it happened and passed. I recently came to acknowledge I still have feelings for him, and I'm ok with that. There's obviously nothing I can do about it at the moment, as 3,000 miles pretty much negates any means of togetherness, but it is what it is.

I want what I had with him again. Realistically, it can't be with him, but I want "that" again. Until then, I'm just going to anxiously anticipate my transition into school and whatever metropolitan area I land.

That I Would Be Good

This week has helped me come to some realizations about myself. All things considering, I knew about it before, but verbalizing it this week to some friends made it real for me. There were still some epiphanies that came out of the woodwork I had never thought of, however.

I've lost touch with who I am as a person (only in some respects) and I need to fix it. I've been acting out of character, which should have raised a red flag long ago. I know why I'm acting the way I am, but that doesn't justify it at all.

It basically comes down to getting more comfortable with myself and my situation. I think I've been getting caught up in the future a bit more than I usually do and I need to refocus on the present. I need to utilize my time more wisely and concentrate on my overall well-being.

Another part of it could be concentrating on the loved ones in my life. For whatever reason, the last month was a hurricane of emotions in the relationships department. I'm not the victim of it, by any means. I don't know what I would be in this metaphor. The weatherman? The Red Cross? A little bit of both?

I want everyone I care about to be content in their life situations. I need to find balance of being an emotionally supportive friend and emotionally supporting myself all at once. It's something I'm more than happy do. I need to lend a shoulder, an ear, any and all parts of myself as a friend to my friends, because I know they would do the same. I also need to realize the advice I'm dishing out is advice I need to take myself.

As I've been encouraging my friends to do what makes them happiest, I need to do the same for myself.

Where I'm at

Though it's a new year with new beginnings, I want to get back to my roots: writing.

An up and down month for sure, but still looking to a brighter horizon. This year is going to be good. great, even. It needs to be. I won't settle for anything less. Last year was by far the worst year ever, negative after negative just snowballing into a metaphoric avalanche of emotion that I'm not ready to deal with again. Some stuff, ever.

I think the one thing I'm somewhat disappointed with are the lack of new people in my life. I'm completely satisfied with the friends I have (when I see them), but being out of college and not meeting a new person every week or day is downright odd. I've eliminated the toxic relationships in my life and to be completely honest, it's been great. Purging what was necessary was exactly what I needed.

Perhaps I'm romanticizing the beginning of the new year like everyone else does? To a certain extent, I have to be, right? At the same time, I don't want to be clumped into the category of an unhealthy public wanting to get in shape or stop smoking or end whatever vice is taking over their lives.

On that note, Ive been eating vegetarian for over 4 months now and I feel good about myself. Really good. Work might suck (hard), I might get lonely in my studio apartment sometimes, but goddammit, I feel good about myself and my eating habits!

I'm excited for new beginnings, whether in health, relationships, travel, school, whatever. I want to focus on being my true self in a new place. That is the change I want. The change I need.

Ok, not a depressing entry. I can blame this on being inspired to write by the Ray of Light album. It never gets old.

Overall an awkward weekend, but I can look back on it now and laugh. I'm not thinking too much about it anymore; at least not in a negative light. I'm feeling optimistic, but I couldn't tell you why. I think a few words of encouragement helped a bit from a co-worker, along with a brief conversation with a friend. It keeps me motivated, especially when work and life in general have been pretty dull lately.

I've been thinking about how I'm envious of friends in SoCal with their "LA adventures" and "grad school endeavors," but the reality is there's nothing I can do about it but be happy for them. And live vicariously through them too. It never hurt anyone.

I'm definitely excited an old roomie is moving back up here from LA. Now, she'll be the closest friend to my place, so I'm excited for late night shenanigans and outings to fabulous eateries or little hole in the wall places.

I'm glad the summer is over because it's been rough.