Where I'm at

Though it's a new year with new beginnings, I want to get back to my roots: writing.

An up and down month for sure, but still looking to a brighter horizon. This year is going to be good. great, even. It needs to be. I won't settle for anything less. Last year was by far the worst year ever, negative after negative just snowballing into a metaphoric avalanche of emotion that I'm not ready to deal with again. Some stuff, ever.

I think the one thing I'm somewhat disappointed with are the lack of new people in my life. I'm completely satisfied with the friends I have (when I see them), but being out of college and not meeting a new person every week or day is downright odd. I've eliminated the toxic relationships in my life and to be completely honest, it's been great. Purging what was necessary was exactly what I needed.

Perhaps I'm romanticizing the beginning of the new year like everyone else does? To a certain extent, I have to be, right? At the same time, I don't want to be clumped into the category of an unhealthy public wanting to get in shape or stop smoking or end whatever vice is taking over their lives.

On that note, Ive been eating vegetarian for over 4 months now and I feel good about myself. Really good. Work might suck (hard), I might get lonely in my studio apartment sometimes, but goddammit, I feel good about myself and my eating habits!

I'm excited for new beginnings, whether in health, relationships, travel, school, whatever. I want to focus on being my true self in a new place. That is the change I want. The change I need.

Ok, not a depressing entry. I can blame this on being inspired to write by the Ray of Light album. It never gets old.

Overall an awkward weekend, but I can look back on it now and laugh. I'm not thinking too much about it anymore; at least not in a negative light. I'm feeling optimistic, but I couldn't tell you why. I think a few words of encouragement helped a bit from a co-worker, along with a brief conversation with a friend. It keeps me motivated, especially when work and life in general have been pretty dull lately.

I've been thinking about how I'm envious of friends in SoCal with their "LA adventures" and "grad school endeavors," but the reality is there's nothing I can do about it but be happy for them. And live vicariously through them too. It never hurt anyone.

I'm definitely excited an old roomie is moving back up here from LA. Now, she'll be the closest friend to my place, so I'm excited for late night shenanigans and outings to fabulous eateries or little hole in the wall places.

I'm glad the summer is over because it's been rough.

I think I just realized that I'm starved for male attention. It's like the light bulb just went off in my head. It's so obvious now, but I'm actually afraid of this feeling now.

I'm not sure what it means.

I don't feel a connection with anyone.

It looks scarier now that I see it on the screen. I think I'm negatively reverting to the people I've had connections with. That is definitely no good. I called Mark about a week ago just because. I don't know what possessed me to do it at the time, but now it's almost obvious I just want to know I'm validated; that I can have that again with someone else (?) Thankfully, his phone was off. I thought about it more and more after the fact and thought, what the hell would I have talked about anyways? We haven't talked in so long, I don't know what to say to him.

I think the Coldplay concert was good for me. Thank God I love their music and it evokes emotion out of me. Emotions I'm usually not in tune with. I got teary eyed, but I was too self-conscious to cry. I wish I hadn't been.

It makes sense I'm thinking about my ex's recently because I had something with them...and I want to know I'm going to have that again. Yay for self-destructive behavior!

It's a selfish thought, but I need to know I'm wanted.

I want to cry.

That's all I want out of life right now. I'm not saying "I want to cry" because something happened to me. I want to cry because I can't. The last time I cried was indescribable. I haven't cried that hard in years. It was two weeks ago for something I needed to hear for sometime. Before that, I don't even remember the last time I had cried.

It was such a release that I envy those who can cry with no qualms or restrictions. I feel so inhuman for not being able to do something so natural.

I try to self-sabotage myself into thinking of something worth crying about: pain, death, loss. I can't fool myself, though. I obviously don't want anything bad to happen to anyone. I just want to know I'm alive.

I had a little surge of emotion, so I felt it appropriate to write about it. Though it was already apparently to me, I find myself a bitter person. No one is perfect, so I accept this as one of my imperfections.

I'm not exactly sure how to go about my situation. I thought moving would help...and it has definitely. At the same time, I'm left alone with my thoughts, which can be a difficult place to be left. How is it you can accept things the way they are but not be happy with them?

I'm not exactly sure what I wanted to accomplish in my stint of independence. A part of me thinks I somehow would have forgotten all of the emotional baggage I had before. I don't know why I didn't think that was unrealistic until now, but I guess the important things is that I'm not subconsciously duping myself now.

I had a feeling I was ready for some sort of transformation. Not sure what transformation I want, though. I somehow feel it is the right time in my life for one. It's such a transitionary phase for me right now, I'm expecting something out of it. In my defense, I've been here all of two weeks, so I can't expect anything to happen overnight. I need to be patient. That's what I need work on.

When I got to college, I completely came out of my shell and became who I really believe I am. As a result, I think I've convinced myself my life was going to take another 180 at this point. In a way, I really want it to. I had such a positive experience doing it, I think, "why not?"

I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me to the next level.

I haven't written in a while and I wasn't planning on it right now, but I have a break from work and I feel it is necessary to get this all out of my system. Hopefully, it will improve my day.

Much has changed in my life since last writing in here. I've moved into my own place and started a new job, both of which I truly enjoy. I'm still trying to adjust to the noise level of my apartment. Thankfully, I'm on the top floor, so there is no overhead noise, but my next door neighbor slams the door in a way that could wake the dead and directly below my windows is the street and dumpsters. Maybe I'll try earplugs when I go to sleep.

I think I'm going to blame my foul mood on the weather and what today is. I'm concentrating too much on someone that I shouldn't be, which is getting me down. That and the fact that I looked up Madonna tickets and they are $100 more than what we paid last time. The only way I can purchase four for me and my friends is to use the parental units' credit card. Have they responded to me whether or not I can use it? no! Wow, God hates me. Guess who just came on the radio??

I need to go see her. She is a necessity in my life.

I'm not sure I'm as lonely as I thought I was going to be moving out of a 5 bedroom house with 4 roommates. Having my own place is terribly relaxing, minus the extra costs in bills. I'm excited for my place to be absolutely finished so people can come over. I think that's the kind of person I am: love having company, then I'm like, "Ok, you can go now so I have the place to myself."

I need perking up. The question is, "how?"