I don't feel a connection with anyone.

It looks scarier now that I see it on the screen. I think I'm negatively reverting to the people I've had connections with. That is definitely no good. I called Mark about a week ago just because. I don't know what possessed me to do it at the time, but now it's almost obvious I just want to know I'm validated; that I can have that again with someone else (?) Thankfully, his phone was off. I thought about it more and more after the fact and thought, what the hell would I have talked about anyways? We haven't talked in so long, I don't know what to say to him.

I think the Coldplay concert was good for me. Thank God I love their music and it evokes emotion out of me. Emotions I'm usually not in tune with. I got teary eyed, but I was too self-conscious to cry. I wish I hadn't been.

It makes sense I'm thinking about my ex's recently because I had something with them...and I want to know I'm going to have that again. Yay for self-destructive behavior!

It's a selfish thought, but I need to know I'm wanted.

I want to cry.

That's all I want out of life right now. I'm not saying "I want to cry" because something happened to me. I want to cry because I can't. The last time I cried was indescribable. I haven't cried that hard in years. It was two weeks ago for something I needed to hear for sometime. Before that, I don't even remember the last time I had cried.

It was such a release that I envy those who can cry with no qualms or restrictions. I feel so inhuman for not being able to do something so natural.

I try to self-sabotage myself into thinking of something worth crying about: pain, death, loss. I can't fool myself, though. I obviously don't want anything bad to happen to anyone. I just want to know I'm alive.

I had a little surge of emotion, so I felt it appropriate to write about it. Though it was already apparently to me, I find myself a bitter person. No one is perfect, so I accept this as one of my imperfections.

I'm not exactly sure how to go about my situation. I thought moving would help...and it has definitely. At the same time, I'm left alone with my thoughts, which can be a difficult place to be left. How is it you can accept things the way they are but not be happy with them?

I'm not exactly sure what I wanted to accomplish in my stint of independence. A part of me thinks I somehow would have forgotten all of the emotional baggage I had before. I don't know why I didn't think that was unrealistic until now, but I guess the important things is that I'm not subconsciously duping myself now.

I had a feeling I was ready for some sort of transformation. Not sure what transformation I want, though. I somehow feel it is the right time in my life for one. It's such a transitionary phase for me right now, I'm expecting something out of it. In my defense, I've been here all of two weeks, so I can't expect anything to happen overnight. I need to be patient. That's what I need work on.

When I got to college, I completely came out of my shell and became who I really believe I am. As a result, I think I've convinced myself my life was going to take another 180 at this point. In a way, I really want it to. I had such a positive experience doing it, I think, "why not?"

I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me to the next level.

I haven't written in a while and I wasn't planning on it right now, but I have a break from work and I feel it is necessary to get this all out of my system. Hopefully, it will improve my day.

Much has changed in my life since last writing in here. I've moved into my own place and started a new job, both of which I truly enjoy. I'm still trying to adjust to the noise level of my apartment. Thankfully, I'm on the top floor, so there is no overhead noise, but my next door neighbor slams the door in a way that could wake the dead and directly below my windows is the street and dumpsters. Maybe I'll try earplugs when I go to sleep.

I think I'm going to blame my foul mood on the weather and what today is. I'm concentrating too much on someone that I shouldn't be, which is getting me down. That and the fact that I looked up Madonna tickets and they are $100 more than what we paid last time. The only way I can purchase four for me and my friends is to use the parental units' credit card. Have they responded to me whether or not I can use it? no! Wow, God hates me. Guess who just came on the radio??

I need to go see her. She is a necessity in my life.

I'm not sure I'm as lonely as I thought I was going to be moving out of a 5 bedroom house with 4 roommates. Having my own place is terribly relaxing, minus the extra costs in bills. I'm excited for my place to be absolutely finished so people can come over. I think that's the kind of person I am: love having company, then I'm like, "Ok, you can go now so I have the place to myself."

I need perking up. The question is, "how?"

I'm heading into the eye of the storm of this transitional phase of my life. It's scary, for sure. I think what is scary is I genuinely want to feel happy, yet I don't know if I can.

Recently, I think I've been in a funk of being single, which is totally dumb because I know I'm not one of those people who think having someone in your life completes you. That's total bull. I don't know why, but I've been so dissatisfied with the way my life has panned out the past year. I was stuck in a job I never liked that really didn't mean anything to me. I stayed in a place I was ready to leave and venture off into another integral part of my life.

I want to say the reasoning behind the funk is the fact it's been 2 years since my last relationship, almost exactly, give or take a couple weeks. I like to think that's the reason I've been evaluating that part of my life recently, but who knows? It could just be an excuse. I think deep down it bothers me I haven't been able to make a connection with someone since that time.

My problem is that I'm impatient. I acknowledge that. The problem within that is just dealing with it.

Completely unrelated, I feel lately I have had a hard time having trust in people. Not in the relationship sense, but just with follow through. Especially guys. They are SO frustrating. I absolutely hate it when someone says something and does the other. Huge pet peeve in my book. I hate having to evaluate the friendships I have because I've always treated all of my friends like they were my best.

I feel like I died this weekend. Like I didn't exist. I suppose it was a good time for self-reflection and what not (and by what not, I mean watching Weeds: Seasons 1 and 2 consecutively. Really good, by the way). I'm beginning to get nervous about living by myself, because I love my alone time, yet when I've had enough of it and need to get out of the house to do something, who am I going to go out with?

A bunch of emotions I'm going to have to deal with in the next month. yay (?)

My life is finally changing and I'm excited for it. I'm not moving down to LA like I thought, however, I am starting a new job as of May 1st. Dominican University in San Rafael offered me a position as an Admissions Specialist, so I get professional experience in a university setting (hmm...I don't need an 'an' in front of university).

I also get to my master's degree for FREE. I don't have to pay a cent. Amazing, right? The program I would get my MA in is Humanities, which is the closest thing to Student Affairs they offer, but with my MA out of the way, I can pursue other jobs in the field of Student Affairs and/or possibly get my Ph.D. in Student Affairs down the road.

A free MA worth $56,344. I'm thinking...yes!

I'm not sure if my brain is emotionally trying to psyche myself up for this because I was eager to move to LA, but I don't care right now. This opportunity is exciting and I should give myself more credit. I've gotten a lot of people telling me "Congratulations!" and it hasn't phased me yet. I think once I move and start the job, everything is going to hit me. I am excited for that.

I think I'm most excited about going back to school. A new place to live, new people to work with, an overall new experience. I can't wait!

I cannot express how much the above statement means. Why are people so dumb?

I've had some built-up animosity, so I'm choosing to channel it into this pet peeve. Healthy, right?