That I Would Be Good

This week has helped me come to some realizations about myself. All things considering, I knew about it before, but verbalizing it this week to some friends made it real for me. There were still some epiphanies that came out of the woodwork I had never thought of, however.

I've lost touch with who I am as a person (only in some respects) and I need to fix it. I've been acting out of character, which should have raised a red flag long ago. I know why I'm acting the way I am, but that doesn't justify it at all.

It basically comes down to getting more comfortable with myself and my situation. I think I've been getting caught up in the future a bit more than I usually do and I need to refocus on the present. I need to utilize my time more wisely and concentrate on my overall well-being.

Another part of it could be concentrating on the loved ones in my life. For whatever reason, the last month was a hurricane of emotions in the relationships department. I'm not the victim of it, by any means. I don't know what I would be in this metaphor. The weatherman? The Red Cross? A little bit of both?

I want everyone I care about to be content in their life situations. I need to find balance of being an emotionally supportive friend and emotionally supporting myself all at once. It's something I'm more than happy do. I need to lend a shoulder, an ear, any and all parts of myself as a friend to my friends, because I know they would do the same. I also need to realize the advice I'm dishing out is advice I need to take myself.

As I've been encouraging my friends to do what makes them happiest, I need to do the same for myself.

Where I'm at

Though it's a new year with new beginnings, I want to get back to my roots: writing.

An up and down month for sure, but still looking to a brighter horizon. This year is going to be good. great, even. It needs to be. I won't settle for anything less. Last year was by far the worst year ever, negative after negative just snowballing into a metaphoric avalanche of emotion that I'm not ready to deal with again. Some stuff, ever.

I think the one thing I'm somewhat disappointed with are the lack of new people in my life. I'm completely satisfied with the friends I have (when I see them), but being out of college and not meeting a new person every week or day is downright odd. I've eliminated the toxic relationships in my life and to be completely honest, it's been great. Purging what was necessary was exactly what I needed.

Perhaps I'm romanticizing the beginning of the new year like everyone else does? To a certain extent, I have to be, right? At the same time, I don't want to be clumped into the category of an unhealthy public wanting to get in shape or stop smoking or end whatever vice is taking over their lives.

On that note, Ive been eating vegetarian for over 4 months now and I feel good about myself. Really good. Work might suck (hard), I might get lonely in my studio apartment sometimes, but goddammit, I feel good about myself and my eating habits!

I'm excited for new beginnings, whether in health, relationships, travel, school, whatever. I want to focus on being my true self in a new place. That is the change I want. The change I need.

Ok, not a depressing entry. I can blame this on being inspired to write by the Ray of Light album. It never gets old.

Overall an awkward weekend, but I can look back on it now and laugh. I'm not thinking too much about it anymore; at least not in a negative light. I'm feeling optimistic, but I couldn't tell you why. I think a few words of encouragement helped a bit from a co-worker, along with a brief conversation with a friend. It keeps me motivated, especially when work and life in general have been pretty dull lately.

I've been thinking about how I'm envious of friends in SoCal with their "LA adventures" and "grad school endeavors," but the reality is there's nothing I can do about it but be happy for them. And live vicariously through them too. It never hurt anyone.

I'm definitely excited an old roomie is moving back up here from LA. Now, she'll be the closest friend to my place, so I'm excited for late night shenanigans and outings to fabulous eateries or little hole in the wall places.

I'm glad the summer is over because it's been rough.

I think I just realized that I'm starved for male attention. It's like the light bulb just went off in my head. It's so obvious now, but I'm actually afraid of this feeling now.

I'm not sure what it means.

I don't feel a connection with anyone.

It looks scarier now that I see it on the screen. I think I'm negatively reverting to the people I've had connections with. That is definitely no good. I called Mark about a week ago just because. I don't know what possessed me to do it at the time, but now it's almost obvious I just want to know I'm validated; that I can have that again with someone else (?) Thankfully, his phone was off. I thought about it more and more after the fact and thought, what the hell would I have talked about anyways? We haven't talked in so long, I don't know what to say to him.

I think the Coldplay concert was good for me. Thank God I love their music and it evokes emotion out of me. Emotions I'm usually not in tune with. I got teary eyed, but I was too self-conscious to cry. I wish I hadn't been.

It makes sense I'm thinking about my ex's recently because I had something with them...and I want to know I'm going to have that again. Yay for self-destructive behavior!

It's a selfish thought, but I need to know I'm wanted.

I want to cry.

That's all I want out of life right now. I'm not saying "I want to cry" because something happened to me. I want to cry because I can't. The last time I cried was indescribable. I haven't cried that hard in years. It was two weeks ago for something I needed to hear for sometime. Before that, I don't even remember the last time I had cried.

It was such a release that I envy those who can cry with no qualms or restrictions. I feel so inhuman for not being able to do something so natural.

I try to self-sabotage myself into thinking of something worth crying about: pain, death, loss. I can't fool myself, though. I obviously don't want anything bad to happen to anyone. I just want to know I'm alive.

I had a little surge of emotion, so I felt it appropriate to write about it. Though it was already apparently to me, I find myself a bitter person. No one is perfect, so I accept this as one of my imperfections.

I'm not exactly sure how to go about my situation. I thought moving would help...and it has definitely. At the same time, I'm left alone with my thoughts, which can be a difficult place to be left. How is it you can accept things the way they are but not be happy with them?

I'm not exactly sure what I wanted to accomplish in my stint of independence. A part of me thinks I somehow would have forgotten all of the emotional baggage I had before. I don't know why I didn't think that was unrealistic until now, but I guess the important things is that I'm not subconsciously duping myself now.

I had a feeling I was ready for some sort of transformation. Not sure what transformation I want, though. I somehow feel it is the right time in my life for one. It's such a transitionary phase for me right now, I'm expecting something out of it. In my defense, I've been here all of two weeks, so I can't expect anything to happen overnight. I need to be patient. That's what I need work on.

When I got to college, I completely came out of my shell and became who I really believe I am. As a result, I think I've convinced myself my life was going to take another 180 at this point. In a way, I really want it to. I had such a positive experience doing it, I think, "why not?"

I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me to the next level.