I haven't written in a while and I wasn't planning on it right now, but I have a break from work and I feel it is necessary to get this all out of my system. Hopefully, it will improve my day.

Much has changed in my life since last writing in here. I've moved into my own place and started a new job, both of which I truly enjoy. I'm still trying to adjust to the noise level of my apartment. Thankfully, I'm on the top floor, so there is no overhead noise, but my next door neighbor slams the door in a way that could wake the dead and directly below my windows is the street and dumpsters. Maybe I'll try earplugs when I go to sleep.

I think I'm going to blame my foul mood on the weather and what today is. I'm concentrating too much on someone that I shouldn't be, which is getting me down. That and the fact that I looked up Madonna tickets and they are $100 more than what we paid last time. The only way I can purchase four for me and my friends is to use the parental units' credit card. Have they responded to me whether or not I can use it? no! Wow, God hates me. Guess who just came on the radio??

I need to go see her. She is a necessity in my life.

I'm not sure I'm as lonely as I thought I was going to be moving out of a 5 bedroom house with 4 roommates. Having my own place is terribly relaxing, minus the extra costs in bills. I'm excited for my place to be absolutely finished so people can come over. I think that's the kind of person I am: love having company, then I'm like, "Ok, you can go now so I have the place to myself."

I need perking up. The question is, "how?"

I'm heading into the eye of the storm of this transitional phase of my life. It's scary, for sure. I think what is scary is I genuinely want to feel happy, yet I don't know if I can.

Recently, I think I've been in a funk of being single, which is totally dumb because I know I'm not one of those people who think having someone in your life completes you. That's total bull. I don't know why, but I've been so dissatisfied with the way my life has panned out the past year. I was stuck in a job I never liked that really didn't mean anything to me. I stayed in a place I was ready to leave and venture off into another integral part of my life.

I want to say the reasoning behind the funk is the fact it's been 2 years since my last relationship, almost exactly, give or take a couple weeks. I like to think that's the reason I've been evaluating that part of my life recently, but who knows? It could just be an excuse. I think deep down it bothers me I haven't been able to make a connection with someone since that time.

My problem is that I'm impatient. I acknowledge that. The problem within that is just dealing with it.

Completely unrelated, I feel lately I have had a hard time having trust in people. Not in the relationship sense, but just with follow through. Especially guys. They are SO frustrating. I absolutely hate it when someone says something and does the other. Huge pet peeve in my book. I hate having to evaluate the friendships I have because I've always treated all of my friends like they were my best.

I feel like I died this weekend. Like I didn't exist. I suppose it was a good time for self-reflection and what not (and by what not, I mean watching Weeds: Seasons 1 and 2 consecutively. Really good, by the way). I'm beginning to get nervous about living by myself, because I love my alone time, yet when I've had enough of it and need to get out of the house to do something, who am I going to go out with?

A bunch of emotions I'm going to have to deal with in the next month. yay (?)

My life is finally changing and I'm excited for it. I'm not moving down to LA like I thought, however, I am starting a new job as of May 1st. Dominican University in San Rafael offered me a position as an Admissions Specialist, so I get professional experience in a university setting (hmm...I don't need an 'an' in front of university).

I also get to my master's degree for FREE. I don't have to pay a cent. Amazing, right? The program I would get my MA in is Humanities, which is the closest thing to Student Affairs they offer, but with my MA out of the way, I can pursue other jobs in the field of Student Affairs and/or possibly get my Ph.D. in Student Affairs down the road.

A free MA worth $56,344. I'm thinking...yes!

I'm not sure if my brain is emotionally trying to psyche myself up for this because I was eager to move to LA, but I don't care right now. This opportunity is exciting and I should give myself more credit. I've gotten a lot of people telling me "Congratulations!" and it hasn't phased me yet. I think once I move and start the job, everything is going to hit me. I am excited for that.

I think I'm most excited about going back to school. A new place to live, new people to work with, an overall new experience. I can't wait!

I cannot express how much the above statement means. Why are people so dumb?

I've had some built-up animosity, so I'm choosing to channel it into this pet peeve. Healthy, right?

My brain is all out of sorts. I've been perusing around the Internet all day and I've had a lot of time to sit here and think about my future. It's pretty scary, to be completely honest, but at the same time, I'm so unbelievably excited.

My woes consist of whether or not I'm staying in Northern Cali or moving to LA. I've already psyched myself up to move down south: mentally prepared myself, told the parentals it's a go, applied to numerous jobs in the media industry. Now, I have an interview on Thursday for a university up here in San Rafael and I can honestly say I'm afraid to get it. Much like my UCLA debacle, I would have been excited to know if I got in or not because it would force me to make a decision I didn't want to make: stay or go. Now that I've made up my mind I want to go, I can't very well pass up a professional job in the field I want to study just because it's not in the area I want it...especially because it's so hard to find a job right now.

Maybe I'm getting my hopes up. As much as I know I'm qualified for the position, maybe they will turn me down again (I already applied to a job at this university and didn't get it). Begrudgingly, I have learned to not get my hopes up after my declination to UCLA so if something doesn't work out in my favor, I cannot be as worked up about it as before.

I admittedly have tunnel vision right now and the light at the end of it is the shining lights of LA. And it's not just the conventional LA "thing" so many people cringe at. It's the lifestyle, the atmosphere, the company, the nightlife, the opportunities, all of that and then some.

This is one of those moments I completely envy those individuals who can throw caution to the wind and pick up everything to follow their dream. I'm far too analytical and hypercritical to do that. As much as I want to, my gut says, "don't." I guess what it comes down to is whether or not I get that job. I can't pass it up if opportunity comes knocking at my door. I can't not also follow my heart.

I'm taking a page out of Michelle's blog and deciding to get back to my roots in writing. Obviously, a significant number of events have occurred since I last wrote in here: relationship ending, graduating college, moving into a house with a revolving door of roommates, starting my first professional job, so on and so forth.

It's hard to believe it's almost been a year since I've graduated. I don't regret staying up here at all because this last year, though chaotic, taught me a lot about myself. I naturally thought staying here would not allow me to grow as an individual, but it inevitably happened. Ups and downs with friends, family, and matters of the heart. I've learned to appreciate the subtleties of where I am. I still long for an area that's booming with people and places to go, but now that my time here is drawing to a close, I feel a new level of acceptance for it. I'm almost afraid to say time here is ending, seeing how it's not definite yet, but realistically speaking (which is so unlike me), it is time.

I'm not sure how the home situation will pan out. I was indirectly shot down from my dad on moving back home for a couple of months until I find a place. I know I'm welcome, but there is an unspoken disapproval that he and I will just have to deal with. I am, oddly enough, excited to be back with my family, sans him. It's terrible to read once it's down on ....uh, screen (I really wanted to say paper), but it's a self-realization and acknowledgment he does not make me emotionally well. It gets easier to let things go now that I'm older and I definitely want to be there for my sister and mom when dealing with some of his stubborness. We will see how things pan out.

I'm excited for what is to come.

When Spring Break comes to mind, I think of it with anticipation and dread. Fabulous combination, right? I haven't been home in almost 3 months and I'm not so sure I want to go home. I mean, I do, but I don't. I'm afraid that my week of rest is going to turn out into "since you're home, let's repaint the house!" The scary thing is that I think it will sadly turn out that way. At least I get to see my puppy :)

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Mark and I just rented this French film called Novo. I'm not sure what to think of it, exactly. It reminds me of 50 First Dates, except sex...lots of sex. I really liked the camera angles and the way the film was shot overall. I'm a sucker for foreign films. God, that sounds cliché.

Once upon a time
There was a boy and there was a girl
Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

I feel a bit disconnected from my friends, at the moment. It's so hard to find time to give them a call - and I hate that I have to make time, ugh. Who thought that being a junior in college would be so difficult? Oh wait...everyone. It's hard being away from them because we grew up together and I know them all like the back of my hand. Scary to think we are slowly growing apart. The good thing about that is that as soon as we talk, we pick up where we left off. I like that.

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together?
Forbidden love, forbidden love
Forbidden love
We sealed our destiny forever
Forbidden love, forbidden love

on-call tonight. School year is almost over. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Too many things are going to happen at the end of May that I'd rather not think about.